Bits and pieces

One of these days I might write my autobiography. Cheh... macam famous je. I'd like to think I led a colourful life in my 20's. Macam2 ada. Yg boleh boh kat sini nanti kita bubuh. Yg tak leh... tinggal dlm hati je la.

Memmorable episodes of my life include : my study in US, my first posting in KT, my loves and hates. Tumultuous and eventful. That's how I can describe my life up to this point. Never a dull moment.

"Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans" John Lennon.

That about sums it all. I never planned my life to be like this (other than my career). But it's turning out fine...Hopefully this trend will stay and improve..

Whimsical

Fanciful, playful, mischievious, droll, eccentric, quirky, idiosyncratic, unconventional, outlandish, queer, offbeat, freaky. WOW.... I never knew that one word can describe me to a T.

Recently we had another farewell for a friend who got an overseas posting. Since we did not cater the event, we had to do everything ourselves. I helped out where I could and the rest was done by the more abled people. Who were they? The motherly and practical ones. I was sitting next to another friend and she commented on how practical these friends were. She said, "I'm more pragmatic. I would be setting the plates in a different way." To which i replied," I'm the whimsical one... will probably set the plates even more outlandishly." And she said," You are right... about yourself.."

So now what? Did this revelation enable me to understand myself better? Perhaps... Now I will no longer feel awkward whenever I don't join in with the latest gossips if I don't feel like it. I will no longer feel out of place when they talk about the latest trends in clothes, TV dramas, politics (office and country) because... I tend to be whimsical - read: idiosyncratic, weird, offbeat and droll. Hahahahaha

Arrogance

Oh dear, what have I done? I have invited people to view my blog! To read my inner voice and to comment on them. What was I thinking??

I was talking about human nature in my last post... It is also part of the human nature to want to be acknowledged and appreciated. What was I thinking? What talent do I possess to think that anyone would want to visit and revisit my space and read my ramblings? Geez.... short of fishing I don't know what that sentence was all about. Hah.. the title is apt. It was sheer arrogance on my part to e mail friends and family to read me here. Anyway, to those who bothered to check me out here.. WELCOME. Maybe I will be able to put those words that are floating in my minds into visual forms for your enjoyment.

HAPPY MERDEKA

As I write this, 20 floors below at ground level the rehearsal for the 51st Merdeka celebrations is in full swing. It never fails to move me whenever I see parades and processions. If not for the sheer discipline, it is for the fact that hundreds and thousands of humans can put their differences aside and stand shoulder to shoulder executing one choreographic move after another. Heck, I cried watching the Olympics opening!!

And then when everything is over, the bigotry and slander will resurface in cheerful abundance. Such is human nature.

Write Away

I have always been jealous of people who can write such beautiful prose. They have the talent to string words together and make them sound so unique and exotic. Recently I have been following 2 people's blogs diligently, chedet.com and an ex student's. How I envy them for using bombastic words. I responded to a thread by the student's and at the end I realise hey.... I sound nearly as close to her way of writing. Boy, was I proud. Spent the whole day and night repeating what I wrote in my mind. The thing is, we never know what we can do until we try. And then the exotic will become commonplace.

Forgetful

Yikes, for many minutes there i forgot my password!! Oh dear must be old age trying to catch up on me. It's probably saying...hah...got u now.

Farewell speech

Today the ladies at the office gave a farewell party for a colleague. It so happens the said colleague was a teacher of mine during secondary school. I have known her since I was 14. As one or the organisers for the event I took it upon myself to be the emcee. When I started to think of the opening speech tears began to well up. And that was even before I tapped the keyboard!
I called a friend halfway through the speech draft; help!! I am an emotional wreck!! I was sobbing away reminiscing our time together. Get a grip, my friend said. You need to be strong.
I have always been a confident speaker and emcee for any occasion. People call me because of my voice. But today, as i greet the attendees it broke... after the first paragraph, i broke down but i kept on till the end. and what did the celebrated colleague do... put on her sunglasses to hide her tears. And cursed me in her speech for wrecking her emotions as well.
I reached out to the friends gathered just now with my speech. They felt the same too. At the end of my speech, the air was charged with emotions.
man's feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and farewell. This was reflected in the faces of ppl who were there today.

Monday

It's Monday... As always when I wake up on Monday mornings I try to come up with excuses not to go to work. Nope... didn't work this morning. Forced myself up and after the first splash on the face, I got into automatic gear. Flashes of calendar entries go through my mind. Oh yes, need to do that , call them, organize that and so on...

And now while waiting for the time to go to a meeting I declare the week has progressed into the 3rd gear; and it's only 9.00am.

For my other half..

I thank you for the support you have given me (sometimes grudgingly). I thank you for the advices (sometimes unwanted). -wink- I thank you for the lovely children (for always).

Let these words say it all...

We've all got our own funny moods
I've got mine, (Wo)man you've got yours too
Just trust in me like I trust in you
As long as we've been together it should be
so easy to do..
(If You Don't Know Me By Now)

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
Just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want
(The Air The I Breathe)

To us and the years to come....

TONGUE

Small flame
under the roof
of a mouth.
You devour
You cleanse
You tell honey
from vinegar.
You speak truth.
You speak slander.
You soothe
with a kiss.
You bruise
with a word.

To the possessed
you are the gift
of enlightenment.
To the dispossessed
you are the scale
of judgement.

Small flame
under the roof
of a mouth.

Tyranny knows
your hiding place.

Rest In Peace, dear Brother

There were two of us and now there is only one. My brother and I had the typical sibling rivalry thingy growing up. The sad thing is we never grew out of it. As a result, we were never close and never made the effort to be. We took pride in the fact that we could only stand each other for short periods of time and fought for longer.

Too many issues unresolved. Too many regrets. Too many words unsaid. Too many, many, many.... When I hear my children bickering I choke up. Reminds me too much of arwah and I. And I tell them to appreciate each other before it's too late. So far it's not getting through their thick skulls but what do they know? It's almost 2 months since he's passed on and I am still looking for closure. For peace... for a sign that all is well between us. I remember saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." over and over as though hoping he'd get up and say..."It's ok..It's ok.."

Go in peace my brother... May God bless you.

Reunions

Last week two old classmates invited me for dinner. It was after much persuasion that I agreed. During dinner - which was scrumptious- they lamented on my non appearance at the 30th annivesary reunion gathering of our class recently. Well, since dinner was being paid for and I was basking in the after effects of oysters, sushi, lamb shank and all the desserts you can think of, I finally let out the secret to my absence from all the previous reunions..

I have not healed from the wounds of adolescent injuries. What? They exclaimed.... Move on; forgive and forget, put the past behind and all that stuff. Look at us guys, we have no issues with each other. We still play futsal every Friday night. What is it about you girls? You carry old wounds like it's still fresh!

Hey! I said.. Everyone's entitled to their feelings. I don't think it's petty to hold grudges against those who almost destroyed my formative years!! No, I was not one of the popular girls, I was not sought after by the guys to be their special girlfriend, pet sister or eye candy. No, I was not ostracised. Yes, I had friends. But teenage angst and all that crap....

Oh... too much information!! They said. Why is it that girls always complicate things?? Those years in boarding school were supposed to be fun. We had no responsibilities other than to study. Look at where we are now. We made it!! He's the CEO of so and so, She's made her first million, she's a Datin, he's the first Malaysian to this and that, etc, etc. Yup, and I am a miserable civil servant. Er.... okkkkk....

Oh, whatever... for all intent and purposes, I am happy with my life. I have moved on. I have meaningful relationships with wonderful people who will be with me during my times of need. So what's wrong if I don't need my friends from 30 years ago. Will it make my life less meaningful? I don't think so. Still... can't help wondering what if I had been one of the eye candy; will I have made my first million by now?

Mid life crisis

Turning 40 was no big deal a few years ago. Turning 43 became an issue. It's only two mre years to 45 and then 5 more years to 50. Suddenly aches and pains began to appear. All in the old age spots... The knees, back and arms. Doesn't help when my best friend is 48 and decides that she needs new make up tricks, new and sexier clothes and aid to increase libido.... Well, I caught the bug and have signed up for a RM1,300 worth of skin rejuvenation package.
The plus side of it all, people have begun to comment on how much better I look compared to when I was in my 30's!! And how much older my 35 year old husband looks! Hehehe.... But the aches and pains are not imaginary after all...

Father's Day

Oh dear, I did it again... I forgot to wish Dad Happy Father's Day!! Not that I make a practice to wish him every year but things have changed lately and Mum n Dad have become ultra sensitive. What with my one and only brother passing away unexpectedly and me being the only child left. Gosh, that's hard to digest. Nonetheless, things have changed and will continue to evolve.