Of Regrets and Reprisals...

Sigh.....I am stupidity incarnate..... I am a woman who gives in to wills and emotions and ends up with her foot in her mouth. In my arrogance, I failed to consider the feelings of others, in my rashness I failed to realise that I may be wrong. In my conceit, I have hurt people who are the closest to me. This is the folly of letting the heart speak before the mind. This is the result of the separation of emotion and intellect.

I fear I have gone a bit too far in dealing with a delicate matter which could have been handled differently. Had I taken a step back and calmed myself down or talked myself down I would not be in this predicament. Yesterday I was all for shaking up the world, highlighting faults and weaknesses of others. I was strong, the voice to be reckoned with, the authority of everything, pointing fingers at those offenders. Listen to me for I have you wrapped around my fingers; I am and I be.

Today, the wind has gone out of my sails, the sea is calm and when I look back at the aftermath of the storm, I shudder at the damage I have caused. It is too late to apologise, too late to undo the hurt, too late to sew up the wounds. I will now sit and await the reprisals of my actions. I may have made enemies of people I love most. And one in the making. I might not make it out of this quandary I created for myself. Such is the pomposity of this woman.....

Not going to make excuses that what I did was for the best. Perhaps to a certain extent. I initiated it and was fueled when one party acquised to my rantings. But when I was challenged by the other party, it was like a time bomb exploding. What I had kept to myself came out full force. Words spewing out like lava; molten hot. Gleefully I engaged myself in a portentous dialogue. After all, who is she to question me: the expert of life; second to none. There I go again, on my pedestal preaching to all; I am the sage, the guru, the pundit.

STOP! Lest I write myself into having more grandiose ideas about rights and wrongs, I will sit and ponder and prepare for Nemesis. For having been visited by her sister Eris last night, Nemesis will follow soon after.

Goodbye for now, I will make my way to that internal recesses to reflect upon my actions....

Goodbye Tuti.....

When MIL was around, I was pampered. I thought that was the definition of pamperedness. But I overlooked the fact that I have been pampered for longer than that. I forgot about Tuti....the trusty maid who's been with us for 4 years. Now she's gone. Gone home for good. Well, not that I didn't want her to stay on. And not that she didn't want to stay on. Too many complications led us to part ways.

Izza n Tuti

Anyway, our lives have been enriched by the other's presence. I'd like to think that she learnt a lot from me especially about marriage and being a mother. And that she has taught Ilham to be 70% independent is something I will be eternally grateful. When previously Ilham could not manage himself in his toilet, he is able to now. When Ilham could not speak properly, she taught him to say his do'a before eating and sleeping. She also made him recite the ummul kitab until he memorised it.

Life was taken for granted. I would come home and that need for caffeine was fulfilled in a jiffy by just saying,"Tuti, nak Nescafe". When ilham throws a tantrum and I am too tired to attend to him,"Tuti, adik nak apa ni? Tolong layan dia kejap." And soon after, there will be peace and quiet.

Well, Tuti finally left last Sunday and we are now between maids. Because it is at year end and Izza has completed her PMR, there is no urgency for a maid yet. We are looking.... we can't not have a maid because of Ilham. Now, there is nobody to ask my Nescafe from. Izza looks at me funny if I ask her for a cuppa. Imran will say, "nanti kejap ma, masa commercial nanti" if I ask him for a glass of water. But to be absolutely fair, these two children of mine have been a tremendous help in managing the house and Ilham while I'm at work. Except that Izza n SIL washed the carpet on Monday - horror!!!! But everything's fine for the moment. Until the laundry pile is higher than me, the dust bunnies rule the house or another outfit gets ruined.... (I ruined one last night - iron was too hot). And Baba, the dear sweetheart has to send his clothes to the cleaners.....(for fear that I'll ruin them) until then we'll be alright without a maid.

Ah... P/S will be going to Carrefour after work, to buy a new rice cooker, a new stove and finally a vacumn cleaner.... go figure