Of Regrets and Reprisals...

Sigh.....I am stupidity incarnate..... I am a woman who gives in to wills and emotions and ends up with her foot in her mouth. In my arrogance, I failed to consider the feelings of others, in my rashness I failed to realise that I may be wrong. In my conceit, I have hurt people who are the closest to me. This is the folly of letting the heart speak before the mind. This is the result of the separation of emotion and intellect.

I fear I have gone a bit too far in dealing with a delicate matter which could have been handled differently. Had I taken a step back and calmed myself down or talked myself down I would not be in this predicament. Yesterday I was all for shaking up the world, highlighting faults and weaknesses of others. I was strong, the voice to be reckoned with, the authority of everything, pointing fingers at those offenders. Listen to me for I have you wrapped around my fingers; I am and I be.

Today, the wind has gone out of my sails, the sea is calm and when I look back at the aftermath of the storm, I shudder at the damage I have caused. It is too late to apologise, too late to undo the hurt, too late to sew up the wounds. I will now sit and await the reprisals of my actions. I may have made enemies of people I love most. And one in the making. I might not make it out of this quandary I created for myself. Such is the pomposity of this woman.....

Not going to make excuses that what I did was for the best. Perhaps to a certain extent. I initiated it and was fueled when one party acquised to my rantings. But when I was challenged by the other party, it was like a time bomb exploding. What I had kept to myself came out full force. Words spewing out like lava; molten hot. Gleefully I engaged myself in a portentous dialogue. After all, who is she to question me: the expert of life; second to none. There I go again, on my pedestal preaching to all; I am the sage, the guru, the pundit.

STOP! Lest I write myself into having more grandiose ideas about rights and wrongs, I will sit and ponder and prepare for Nemesis. For having been visited by her sister Eris last night, Nemesis will follow soon after.

Goodbye for now, I will make my way to that internal recesses to reflect upon my actions....

Goodbye Tuti.....

When MIL was around, I was pampered. I thought that was the definition of pamperedness. But I overlooked the fact that I have been pampered for longer than that. I forgot about Tuti....the trusty maid who's been with us for 4 years. Now she's gone. Gone home for good. Well, not that I didn't want her to stay on. And not that she didn't want to stay on. Too many complications led us to part ways.

Izza n Tuti

Anyway, our lives have been enriched by the other's presence. I'd like to think that she learnt a lot from me especially about marriage and being a mother. And that she has taught Ilham to be 70% independent is something I will be eternally grateful. When previously Ilham could not manage himself in his toilet, he is able to now. When Ilham could not speak properly, she taught him to say his do'a before eating and sleeping. She also made him recite the ummul kitab until he memorised it.

Life was taken for granted. I would come home and that need for caffeine was fulfilled in a jiffy by just saying,"Tuti, nak Nescafe". When ilham throws a tantrum and I am too tired to attend to him,"Tuti, adik nak apa ni? Tolong layan dia kejap." And soon after, there will be peace and quiet.

Well, Tuti finally left last Sunday and we are now between maids. Because it is at year end and Izza has completed her PMR, there is no urgency for a maid yet. We are looking.... we can't not have a maid because of Ilham. Now, there is nobody to ask my Nescafe from. Izza looks at me funny if I ask her for a cuppa. Imran will say, "nanti kejap ma, masa commercial nanti" if I ask him for a glass of water. But to be absolutely fair, these two children of mine have been a tremendous help in managing the house and Ilham while I'm at work. Except that Izza n SIL washed the carpet on Monday - horror!!!! But everything's fine for the moment. Until the laundry pile is higher than me, the dust bunnies rule the house or another outfit gets ruined.... (I ruined one last night - iron was too hot). And Baba, the dear sweetheart has to send his clothes to the cleaners.....(for fear that I'll ruin them) until then we'll be alright without a maid.

Ah... P/S will be going to Carrefour after work, to buy a new rice cooker, a new stove and finally a vacumn cleaner.... go figure

OH ME, OH MY.....

This week started out just fine. I took Monday off just to have a girls' day out with Izza and SIL. We had fun. Well, separately; we dropped Izza off at Borders and went off to explore. Bought me the third handbag in a 4 days (Baba....pls don't read this!!) and some other non necessecities. Best part of course was when we got hungry. Grilled fish in assam sauce and rice and then we scooted to Sushi King, and for dessert: crispy apam balik with chocolate and peanut butter spread. YUM......

Tuesday was quite interesting, I was invited to attend the launch of "Bulan Bahasa Kebangsaan" at DBKL. The choir sang beautifully. A far contrast from MARA's choir group. (hehehehe). They sang and danced and then the VVIPs stumbled in their speeches. The lighting was such that these 'warga emas' could not read their speeches because their multifocals couldn't focus. hahahahahaha....... That was good fodder for a joke. We were giggling in our seats. Then the host ushered the minister to the side of the stage to get down, luckily they stopped in time because the steps were way off to the other side...HAHAHAHAHA.... gosh, I have tears in my eyes thinking back. That afternoon, Izza sprained her ankle......

Wednesday dawned sunny and clear. Did some work at the office. I do need to earn some of my keep don't I? Anyway, it was an ordinary day till Imran came home from school. I thought something was up when he didn't smile that adorable smile of his. Then I noticed his bloody nose and fat lip!!!! OMG...what happened? I screamed. He put his head on my shoulder and started sobbing. My poor, poor angel.... (Izza, do not puke!). Apparently, he tried to break up a fight between his best friend and another boy and got punched by accident. At that point the two boys were stunned and profusely apologised to Imran. Well, that was his story. Now, Imran has a history of fabricating facts whenever he thinks it will get him out of trouble. So Izza took on the role of the Inquisitor, but I have to say, I appreciated her gentleness in treating Imran last night. Imran stuck to his story throughout the night. In the end we believed him. But Baba's reaction was another story; it ranged from going to meet the teacher, to making a police report, to going to the clinic (after I mms imran's pic) and then to blaming Imran for being friends with the likes of those boys.

I only had this to say to Imran: "Now you see why you shouldn't cry wolf. People won't believe you even if you are telling the truth. I know you're hurting but isn't it more hurting when we doubt your story?", and to that he replied," Yes, Mum. I'm hurt that nobody believed me at first. And I don't ever want to be in a fight if this is how painful it is. I won't lie anymore." AWWWwwwwwww..... Yeah me, the sucker Mum. Till the next time, Imran.

ILHAM KHALID

Ilham - better known as Adik. Is 11 years old this year. This was taken on 11/10/09 a day after his actual bday. A week after Hari Raya he had gone back to KB with MIL and SIL. He got all excited flying on MAS. SIL kept quoting to him 'Adik, kita naik MAS'...hahaha...he answered, 'Malaysia Airlines' to her consternation. You see, Adik has ADHD with limited vocabulary. To this day he is only able to string 2 -3 word sentences at a time. However, he can be very observant and sharp; when he wants to be. So he was in KB for about two weeks. At first he was soooo happy to be the centre of attention of MIL, SIL and a great aunt. Everyday he gets to eat his favourite dishes (except Maggi and such), literally spoon fed and hand fed. Bathed and groomed, attended to and all the trappings of a spoiled brat. But after a week or so, he started to whine for Baba... OF ALL PEOPLE.....why not Mummy??????????

Many a nights I sit wondering...WHY??????

He would cry out for Baba....that was a sign, time with grandma is about to come to an end. So we got tickets for Air Asia and he got excited all over again. Adik has this affinity with vehicles. Any kind, as long as he can ride in it. A 14 hour journey is heaven for him. An 8 hour journey by bus is not enough. Once, when he got down from the bus from KL to KB, he whined to get back on the bus and continue the journey to where, he doesn't care. So we try to let him experience as many rides as he can. There are still a few he has not tried : boats, trains, cable cars, motorbikes. Insyallah, we will find ways for him to.

My heart weeps for his condition but sings at God's mercy for bestowing me this child that brings such joy in my life. Oh yes, we fight a lot.... he is a very, very demanding person. Not just for my attention, for material things too. Food especially. But never a day goes by that I do not smile at his latest antics and discoveries. Much of what we take for granted go beyond his understanding. A 'No' for any request is not final for him. In fact a 'No' is not an acceptable answer until he gets a 'Yes'. He will keep asking, over and over ....

'Mummy, pizza?' 'No, adik, no pizza.'

'Mummmmmyyyyyy, Pizzaaaaaaaa?' 'No',

'MUMMMMMYYYYY, PIZZAAAAAAA' 'No, adik!'

'wuaaaaaaaaaaa......mummyyyyyyyyyyy, pizzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!'

'(sigh)...ok adik, jom pizza'

that is a normal conversation with him. Not, 'Hi mummy, how was your day at work?' I'd jump to the rooftop in shock and joy, if one day, that's the greeting from him when I come home from work. Until then, 'Mummy, KFC?'

Ramadhan..

Gosh, it's been awhile. There are several postings still in it's draft mode. I promised the kids that I'll dedicate a posting each but have yet to get around to doing them. What can I say about them other than them being a joy to have and to hold? Don't worry kids, I'll get there.

It's been more than a week of Ramadhan. This is the best Ramadhan ever.... my MIL decided to stay throughout the month and celebrate Eid with us. Yahoo.... no bought food for Iftar!!! Yup, she forbade me from buying any goodies for berbuka coz she'll do the cooking. But everytime she comes, my grocery bill triples. I told hubby baby, you want to eat good, you pay good. hahahaha... Well, he was complaining how come we keep running out of onions, rice, cooking oil, vegies so quickly? Duh.... put two and two together la.

So there goes my diet dreams for this month. In all our marriage years, we hardly ever wake up for sahur; this year, I'v only missed one day. How not to wake up when MIL bangs the door real hard at 4.45 am. And I mean real hard!! She makes us eat rice for sahur! Nanti lapar.... sigh.... the joys of being pampered. I have not cooked for three weeks. Not that I cooked all the time, but I don't have to help her at all. She does not like me in the kitchen when she is cooking. So I stay out of her way. You'll find me permanently attached to the TV most of the time nowadays. Blisss....

The Eldest

I said to my other half, since i had dedicated a post for him, my next three posts will be of the children. So Iwill begin with the eldest - Izza Khaleeda. My princess. The one and only rose among the thorns. She is a joy to be had.

I had started to write this post some time ago.

Today, 21st October 2009....

Izza has finally completed her PMR exams. Good for her. She actually studied hard. Studying has always been a concept I can never get. I was never a good student. That's why I am pleasantly surprised that Izza is actually a studious person. Phew.... that's one thing I am glad she did not get from me. Throughout her studying period she was treated like a princess. All the more with the endorsement of her father. Yes Izza, no Izza, of course you can sit there the whole day with your books while we run around you at your service Izza. Yup, that was exactly how it was for awhile.

But it was certainly worth it. Based on my friends checking her answers, they said she did pretty well. We hope she'll get more than 4As. So, now that PMR is over, you'd think her princess reign is over. It was over, for awhile till yesterday. My darling, adorable but clumsy daughter sprained her ankle while crossing the road!!!! Innalillah.... It was lucky that there was no speeding car in the picture. Her ankle was all swollen. Coincidentally it happened about the time I left the office. SIL called me and I picked them up and we went straight to the clinic. Now, she has to keep off that foot. The princess is back......

Other than that, I have to admit, Izza is a gem of a daughter. Er....most times. Always willing to give a hand. But kids will be kids. Sometimes I forget that and expect her to behave and act like a grown up. Well, it doesn't help when she towers over me and looks so much more mature than her age. That, she gets from her father. The height and physical maturity. No wonder she's Baba's girl. He's always telling me that Izza has isuues with me and has confided in him. But at the end of the day, we resolve our issues and carry on to being mummy and daughter amicably. Ok Izza?

WHAT A DAY

Phew... it's only 4.00pm and I am soooooo tired. My day started out with a nutritious breakfast; courtesy of health concious mom-in-law. No nasi lemak, roti canai but whole meal bread with fresh milk steeped with dates, raisins kept in the fridge overnight. That's a good recipe for Ramadhan if anyone is interested. Better still if almonds, red dates and figs are added.

Anyway, after that we cleaned out the cats lair while MIL (mom-in-law) swept the kitchen. It's hard work not having the maid even for three days. At 11.00am took a shower and sent Imran to One U for his outing with his buddies. We gave permission reluctantly, with the H1N1 and of all days he wants to go out, today is his aunt's graduation day. Izza and I sent him right to McD, the rendezvous. Met with his friends and reminded them to behave.

Then i received a message from his aunt to pick her up in front of TV3 at 12.00pm to go to her convo. Incidentally she is also a finalist for the Gadis Melayu Season 2.

Comel kan??? So, Izza and I decided to have a second breakfast while waiting. Gosh, did we stuff ourselves at JJ's food court. Next brunch destination with baba. By the time she arrived it was 12.30 and it took us sometime to get out of One World Hotel parking lot.....I forgot where I put the car...hehehe.... As soon as she got into the car,"K Han, tolong hantar Nini ke UM dulu. Nanti biar Mak and Abang Yong gi later."

Ok sis, anything for you today. So we went home for her to get ready. MIL refused to go before she performs her Zohor prayers. Baba was not home yet. He and MIL will be the guests of SIL in the Graduation Hall. When SIL (sis-in-law) was ready, Izza and I sent her to UM. Luckily the jam was on the opposite lane. People leaving the morning session of the Convo. Dropped her right in front of the Dewan Chanselor. As we were leaving we saw a sign for an alternative route to Damansara. We took that and missed all the jam going out of the UM main exit.

On the way home, Baba called and I told him that I will send him and MIL later to attend the convo. Parking would be a nightmare. When we arrived home, he had arrived and was playing with his new toy - NOKIA N75 - courtesy of his boss-for achieving company target. After another 30 minutes, Izza and I were on the road again with another set of passengers. Baba and MIL sat at the back. Throughout all this, Izza was studying for her PMR Trials next week. It was that or adding details to SIL's flyers for getting votes. On the way home we stopped at the bookstore to add on a few workbooks for her.

Now, we have to shower and get ready to pick them up for a celebration dinner. It'll just be five of us. Imran is sitting this one out. Phew.........